The Mail has learned that Guardian-reading do-gooders are responsible for injecting crack into primary school children.

Has the world gone mad? Guardian-reading do-gooders are injecting crack into primary school children with impunity. Hanging is surely too good for these no good scum. Why doesn’t the Government use all the money it has stolen from the hardworking families of Britain in stealth taxes to make amends for the situation. Probably because they are too busy lining their pockets!

The Mail spoke to Ian Dunkin-Donuts, who said "the lady’s not for turning"