Shocking news has come to light that a recent spate of using skateboards and yobbish language to molest journalists has been perpetrated by Al Qu’aeda bosses.

The Mail can reveal that Al Qu’aeda bosses are actually not human at all but have been spawned in Europe by a bureaucrat known as Saruman who intends to wrest control of all that is good and decent using this army of misfits.

Jacob Rees-Mogg said of the Al Qu’aeda bosses, "Waterboarding is not torture".