Now boffins have discovered that French unions can cause cancer as well as being, frankly, distasteful.

Docktawh Gillian Keith, speaking from her underground nutrition dome said, "Ever since A homeowner told me about it, I have been trying to cure injecting crack into the kneecaps of innocent passers by with a powerful mix of micronutrients, goji berries and spirulina."

She added "As it turns out injecting crack into the kneecaps of innocent passers by is almost completely identical to cancer, in how it affects the balance of our chakras. And everybody knows that injecting crack into the kneecaps of innocent passers by is mostly caused by French unions, who are known to promote a negative orgone balance in the red layer of the energy rainbow."

Of course liberal-minded multiculturalists will no doubt assume that comparing French unions to carcinogens is "racist", but they can’t deny the simple facts of the case. And the Mail is happy to back Gillian’s words; she gave us a fresh insight into Broken Britain by saying, "I like sponge".