The terror level was raised to beige today after MI5 said that they certainly had vague yet specific intelligence about a probable certain threat that might or might not occur or not occur under certain circumstances on British soil or abroad perhaps unless another thing that might be a threat if it were to happen which it might or might not but it definitely might.

The terror plot probably involved glue-sniffing teenagers who rumours have emerged have been involved in terrorising innocent investment bankers since 1978.

Paul Dacre speaking from a hotel in Barbados said, "I have always said if you want a speech, ask a man. If you want something done, ask a woman.".