The horror or Broken Britain continues this week.

First we learn that using skateboards and yobbish language to molest journalists is becoming ever more common, then we learn that hoody-wearing layabouts are pleasuring themselves on the alters of our great cathedrals every day.

Among the hardworking Britons to attack hoody-wearing layabouts pleasuring themselves on the alters of our great cathedrals was The Queen who today said Things got out of hand and we’d had a few drinks. We smashed the place up and Boris set fire to the toilets..