Shocking news has come to light that a recent spate of looting and pillaging supermarkets has been perpetrated by homosexuals.

The Mail can reveal that homosexuals are actually not human at all but have been spawned in Europe by a bureaucrat known as Saruman who intends to wrest control of all that is good and decent using this army of misfits.

Jacob Rees-Mogg said of the homosexuals, "Things got out of hand and we’d had a few drinks. We smashed the place up and Boris set fire to the toilets.".