Shocking news has come to light that a recent spate of injecting crack into primary school children has been perpetrated by migrants.

The Mail can reveal that migrants are actually not human at all but have been spawned in Europe by a bureaucrat known as Saruman who intends to wrest control of all that is good and decent using this army of misfits.

David Cameron said of the migrants, "Things got out of hand and we’d had a few drinks. We smashed the place up and Boris set fire to the toilets.".