The Daily Mail has learned, by imagining them, of literally BILLIONS of incidents of drilling for oil in one family's back garden, all of them involving Islamist youths.

In the glorious days of Ian Dunkin-Donuts, no hardworking family of Britain would expect to experience drilling for oil in one family's back garden, but nowadays thanks to Islamist youths drilling for oil in one family's back garden is an everyday occurence.

Frankly, the only thing that any sane person can say is Things got out of hand and we’d had a few drinks. We smashed the place up and Boris set fire to the toilets..