Shocking news has come to light that a recent spate of setting fire to pensioners whilst high on skunk and crack has been perpetrated by the unions.

The Mail can reveal that the unions are actually not human at all but have been spawned in Europe by a bureaucrat known as Saruman who intends to wrest control of all that is good and decent using this army of misfits.

James May said of the the unions, "We need a lot less of the passive tolerance of recent years and much more active, muscular liberalism. Especially for the blacks.".