Shocking news has come to light that a recent spate of smashing up images of our queen of hearts, Lady Diana herself has been perpetrated by the unions.

The Mail can reveal that the unions are actually not human at all but have been spawned in Europe by a bureaucrat known as Saruman who intends to wrest control of all that is good and decent using this army of misfits.

Conservative head office said of the the unions, "our prisons are like holiday camps.".