Shocking news has come to light that a recent spate of pleasuring themselves on the alters of our great cathedrals has been perpetrated by migrants.

The Mail can reveal that migrants are actually not human at all but have been spawned in Europe by a bureaucrat known as Saruman who intends to wrest control of all that is good and decent using this army of misfits.

James May said of the migrants, "I have always said if you want a speech, ask a man. If you want something done, ask a woman.".