Shocking news has come to light that a recent spate of terrorising the elderly residents of a tranquil Gloucestershire village has been perpetrated by young muslim men.

The Mail can reveal that young muslim men are actually not human at all but have been spawned in Europe by a bureaucrat known as Saruman who intends to wrest control of all that is good and decent using this army of misfits.

Jacob Rees-Mogg said of the young muslim men, "A large proportion of Britain’s Asian population fail to pass the cricket test. Which side do they cheer for?".