Shocking news has come to light that a recent spate of binge drinking on council estates has been perpetrated by Guardian-reading do-gooders.

The Mail can reveal that Guardian-reading do-gooders are actually not human at all but have been spawned in Europe by a bureaucrat known as Saruman who intends to wrest control of all that is good and decent using this army of misfits.

Jeremy Clarkson said of the Guardian-reading do-gooders, "We need a lot less of the passive tolerance of recent years and much more active, muscular liberalism. Especially for the blacks.".