Shocking news has come to light that a recent spate of holding illegal raves illegally in illegal fields has been perpetrated by hoody-wearing layabouts.

The Mail can reveal that hoody-wearing layabouts are actually not human at all but have been spawned in Europe by a bureaucrat known as Saruman who intends to wrest control of all that is good and decent using this army of misfits.

George Osborne said of the hoody-wearing layabouts, "If only we had a privitised National Identity scheme this would never have happened".