Shocking news has come to light that a recent spate of getting away with arson has been perpetrated by criminal gangs from Eastern Europe.

The Mail can reveal that criminal gangs from Eastern Europe are actually not human at all but have been spawned in Europe by a bureaucrat known as Saruman who intends to wrest control of all that is good and decent using this army of misfits.

Margaret Thatcher said of the criminal gangs from Eastern Europe, "I like sponge".