Shocking news has come to light that a recent spate of holding illegal raves illegally in illegal fields has been perpetrated by criminal gangs from Eastern Europe.

The Mail can reveal that criminal gangs from Eastern Europe are actually not human at all but have been spawned in Europe by a bureaucrat known as Saruman who intends to wrest control of all that is good and decent using this army of misfits.

Beyonce said of the criminal gangs from Eastern Europe, "new Age travellers? Not in this age. Not in any age. Let others speak for these New Age travellers. We will speak for their victims.".