Shocking news has come to light that a recent spate of selling drugs to schoolchildren for fun has been perpetrated by enviro-Mental-ists.

The Mail can reveal that enviro-Mental-ists are actually not human at all but have been spawned in Europe by a bureaucrat known as Saruman who intends to wrest control of all that is good and decent using this army of misfits.

Michael Howerd said of the enviro-Mental-ists, "our prisons are like holiday camps.".