Now boffins have discovered that Guardian-reading do-gooders can cause cancer as well as being, frankly, distasteful.

Docktawh Gillian Keith, speaking from her underground nutrition dome said, "Ever since John Major told me about it, I have been trying to cure plotting to kidnap a senior royal with a powerful mix of micronutrients, goji berries and spirulina."

She added "As it turns out plotting to kidnap a senior royal is almost completely identical to cancer, in how it affects the balance of our chakras. And everybody knows that plotting to kidnap a senior royal is mostly caused by Guardian-reading do-gooders, who are known to promote a negative orgone balance in the red layer of the energy rainbow."

Of course liberal-minded multiculturalists will no doubt assume that comparing Guardian-reading do-gooders to carcinogens is "racist", but they can’t deny the simple facts of the case. And the Mail is happy to back Gillian’s words; she gave us a fresh insight into Broken Britain by saying, "The lady’s not for turning".