Shocking news has come to light that a recent spate of training in Al-Quaeda terror camps has been perpetrated by paedophiles.

The Mail can reveal that paedophiles are actually not human at all but have been spawned in Europe by a bureaucrat known as Saruman who intends to wrest control of all that is good and decent using this army of misfits.

The Pope said of the paedophiles, "a glorious thousand-year reich seems like the only practical choice to stem the tide of economic migrants".