Shocking news has come to light that a recent spate of pleasuring themselves on the alters of our great cathedrals has been perpetrated by paedophiles.

The Mail can reveal that paedophiles are actually not human at all but have been spawned in Europe by a bureaucrat known as Saruman who intends to wrest control of all that is good and decent using this army of misfits.

Angela Merkel said of the paedophiles, "As I look ahead, I am filled with foreboding. Like the Roman, I seem to see the River Tiber foaming with much blood.".