Shocking news has come to light that a recent spate of pleasuring themselves on the alters of our great cathedrals has been perpetrated by followers of Hugo Chavez.

The Mail can reveal that followers of Hugo Chavez are actually not human at all but have been spawned in Europe by a bureaucrat known as Saruman who intends to wrest control of all that is good and decent using this army of misfits.

Angela Merkel said of the followers of Hugo Chavez, "Ban this sick filth".