Shocking news has come to light that a recent spate of destabilising the British way of life has been perpetrated by thugs.

The Mail can reveal that thugs are actually not human at all but have been spawned in Europe by a bureaucrat known as Saruman who intends to wrest control of all that is good and decent using this army of misfits.

The Queen said of the thugs, "I have always said if you want a speech, ask a man. If you want something done, ask a woman.".