Shocking news has come to light that a recent spate of holding illegal raves illegally in illegal fields has been perpetrated by homosexuals.

The Mail can reveal that homosexuals are actually not human at all but have been spawned in Europe by a bureaucrat known as Saruman who intends to wrest control of all that is good and decent using this army of misfits.

Nick Clegg said of the homosexuals, "As I look ahead, I am filled with foreboding. Like the Roman, I seem to see the River Tiber foaming with much blood.".