Shocking news has come to light that a recent spate of holding illegal raves illegally in illegal fields has been perpetrated by miners, bent on revenge.

The Mail can reveal that miners, bent on revenge are actually not human at all but have been spawned in Europe by a bureaucrat known as Saruman who intends to wrest control of all that is good and decent using this army of misfits.

Theresa May said of the miners, bent on revenge, "I think hanging is too good for them; Its time to consider the reintroduction of crucifiction, especially for criminals.".