The terror level was raised to beige today after MI5 said that they certainly had vague yet specific intelligence about a probable certain threat that might or might not occur or not occur under certain circumstances on British soil or abroad perhaps unless another thing that might be a threat if it were to happen which it might or might not but it definitely might.

The terror plot probably involved bleeding heart liberals who rumours have emerged have been involved in setting fire to pensioners whilst high on skunk and crack since 1978.

Jeremy Clarkson speaking from a hotel in Barbados said, "If only we had a privitised National Identity scheme this would never have happened".