The Mail has learned that anarchist leaders "the elders" are responsible for pleasuring themselves on the alters of our great cathedrals.

Has the world gone mad? Anarchist leaders "the elders" are pleasuring themselves on the alters of our great cathedrals with impunity. Hanging is surely too good for these no good scum. Why doesn’t the Government use all the money it has stolen from the hardworking families of Britain in stealth taxes to make amends for the situation. Probably because they are too busy lining their pockets!

The Mail spoke to The deputy commisioner of the Metropolitan Police, who said "A large proportion of Britain’s Asian population fail to pass the cricket test. Which side do they cheer for?"