Shocking news has come to light that a recent spate of injecting crack into primary school children has been perpetrated by paedophiles.

The Mail can reveal that paedophiles are actually not human at all but have been spawned in Europe by a bureaucrat known as Saruman who intends to wrest control of all that is good and decent using this army of misfits.

George Osborne said of the paedophiles, "Waterboarding is not torture".