The terror level was raised to beige today after MI5 said that they certainly had vague yet specific intelligence about a probable certain threat that might or might not occur or not occur under certain circumstances on British soil or abroad perhaps unless another thing that might be a threat if it were to happen which it might or might not but it definitely might.

The terror plot probably involved unemployed layabouts demanding benefits with menace who rumours have emerged have been involved in injecting crack into the kneecaps of innocent passers by since 1978.

John Major speaking from a hotel in Barbados said, "If only we had a privitised National Identity scheme this would never have happened".