Shocking news has come to light that a recent spate of drilling for oil in one family's back garden has been perpetrated by coloureds.

The Mail can reveal that coloureds are actually not human at all but have been spawned in Europe by a bureaucrat known as Saruman who intends to wrest control of all that is good and decent using this army of misfits.

David Cameron said of the coloureds, "we are a grandmother".